Because I said so

5. Burp Have you ever heard a woman burp after a hearty meal? Like a real burp, not those prissy, in the mouth burps but a real live Homer Simpson rattle the lips burp. I have a friend... Randi Nance to be exact... who can burp a man under a rug. I know it's not attractive but it's cool and mildly entertaining. 4. Zone out when ESPN is on Oh man don't let the man she's with or trying to impress be on the way. She will zone everything out and focus so hard so that she can know the names, numbers and statistics of all the players (not just the cute ones). Nothing impresses a man more for a women to be into the stuff that he's into. Unlike the rest of us girls (raises hands) who could care less and could win the trophy for zoning out the opposite way when ESPN is on. 3. Cheat If you thought you were slick hunny, "wait till I show you this" (Ying Yang edited version of The Whisper Song). A women is better at cheating because face it, men don't care enough ...

The Beauty Shop (or hair salon as they call it) is a humbling place. It is there you gain the confidence that you once lacked in one single visit. It is there in that black leather chair that you become the person you should have always been. Happy, confident, beautiful. In the Black community the hair salon is the "it spot". The place where you get all your gossip about the Jones' while getting a $40 hour long process that costs double and takes triple. I currently experienced a Dominican salon. Now they work! In hot tempetures, with no television or stereo playing; no disturbances other than their very polite and very helpful children with nappy heads. Which brings me to ask "Maam, why the hell are you touching my head and your Childs head looks like a tornado hit?" Anywho, minding my business atop my head. They do an excellent job and your hair comes out bone straight after stupid amounts of hot as hell (used in the formal noun) heat. I walked out a new perso...

... when you waste your time introducing your parents to the person that is SO not the one. ... when it doesn't work out and your parents say "I don't want to meet another one of your gangsters/hoodrats until you're engaged." ... when you're stuck between two guys and you choose the wrong one. ... being head over heels for someone else's man. ... people who claim to love you when they clearly don't even love themselves.

... when you tell somebody to keep a secret & they can't so they be trying to tell it without telling it? ... when you go into the situation saying I'm going to do the right thing until you're halfway done doing the wrong thing. ... when you walk by a man, look him in the face yet he doesn't say anything until you've walked all the way past him. And even then all he has to say is "uhm umph uhm" ... when you're pouring your heart out to someone and all chose to say is "stop complaining and be grateful." ... when things aren't fair. And you hate even saying the word fair because it makes you feel six years old again.

... When you always want some shit you can't get? I always want the tuna sandwich special from Subway Sat-Thur, when the special is only on Fridays. I always want a Chick-fil-a cookies and cream shake on Sundays... when they are closed. And I always crave a McDonald's hashbrown around noontime... after breakfast hours. ... When Black ass people get tattoos? That was a waste of money bruh. ... Friends that lie so much you have to save all voice mails and text messages from them to use as evidence against them? ... When you've done all you've can, but it still doesn't work?

... when he starts an argument just to piss you off ... when he leaves the toilet seat up ... people that sing really loudly but don't know the words ... when people take a water out of the refrigerator and don't replace it. You know you didn't put that muthafucka in there so why you drinking it ... wet towels on the edge of the bath tub? Ring it out and hang it up to dry ... when it hurts so bad and feel so good

Being around your man's friends is like being around stray dogs: don't make eye contact! So I'm at his basketball game and there are a whole lotta "my types" so I hold my head down to keep from staring and slobbing and I lock my eyes on him. They all were looking at me so I made it my business NOT to look at them. He was on the bench, my eyes were on the bench. He was on the floor, my eyes were on the floor. It was hard but I managed to sneak out unharmed, with no new numbers... just as I had came in. Someone needs to leash these animals I swear, sheesh. I almost got myself in trouble, looking so damn good at an intramural basketball game. Note for next time: look even hotter and ignore even harder! If you're his girl, stand firm and be his girl! No one likes a flip flopper, bed hopper. And we shall always remember that Danger smashed the homies!

when you know you're doing the wrong thing how do you know doesn't your heart beat faster your blood boil and your teeth grit why do you continue why is it so difficult to do the right thing maybe it's because you don't know right from wrong or maybe you do but you confuse the two at the worst possible times when you know you're doing the wrong thing why don't you stop stop while you're ahead stop before it's too late stop because ... why did you continue why do you continue when you know you're doing the wrong thing why don't you stop why is it so difficult for you to do the right thing when you know you're doing the wrong thing

Truth. If you give a girl the password to your computer, your phone, your safe, your facebook... definitely your facebook; you better believe she's going to write that thang down (literally, mentally, in smoke signals) so she can check into it later. Misconception. Just because we have the password does not mean we will use this information against you. If we have no reason to snoop, then we won't. Well maybe I shouldn't include myself in this conversation because I, at some point in time, snoop around but not your typical snoop and probably not where you think I should snoop. But if you have a good relationship with this girl, you trust her and trust that she wouldn't use this information to harm you, then why not give it to her... just this once? A friend of mine emailed me. His email address appeared after the name of his ex girlfriend. I was taken aback. Stuck in a confused daze until he called. I don't even think I said hello. I said "why is Zerica's n...

I hate the n-word. There is no anger greater than me witnessing an adult argue me down about how n-i-g-g-a is different from n-i-g-g-e-r. Don't waste your breath idiot. I hate the n-word. And to you, that can be any word that starts with the letter n. I inform everyone I meet, as soon as they say the word, that I don't like it and would prefer if they didn't use it when talking to, about and around me. 99% of them oblige but you know there is always a 1% somewhere that can't or won't do right. I bring this back up (I've spoke on this subject before: WORD OF THE DAY ) because everyone around me loves The Boondocks and until one day last week, I had never watched a full episode because I can't tolerate their excessive use of the n-word. I know, I know... that's the point of the show... a social satire of American culture and race relations but I don't care about any of that. I know how hearing the word makes me feel so I do not subject myself to ill fe...

Don't you hate when you play a scenario in your mind and it never goes the way you planned it? You thought you knew where you stood but reality is you don't because he was able to shift your stance. An ex boyfriend did this to me just a minute ago. I thought I was sick of his misleading, flirting with me and all the others girls we went to school with. Even though we don't have much of a relationship now, we had spoke of maybe doing something in a couple of years when he comes back from playing overseas. Then I got caught up in some nonsense and I dismissed him in my mind. I didn't call, didn't text, didn't think of him. Until he called me. He spit his game and now I'm back to square one. Big bad wolf until the hunter came. I'm always living in a fairy tale. Now I'm little red riding hood... again.

Man eating better, exercising and still living a busy life is wearing me thin. No wonder why I ate what I ate and drank what I drank... it kept me moving. But I am doing very well with Operation Swimsuit if you were concerned. I have still been eating well and working out everyday... well except for that one day after I was swinging on the pole. That is a workout in itself and my arms were too tight to work let alone workout. Anywho check the visuals... I'm proud of myself.

Day 2 - Wednesday May 19, 2010 Woke up and did 225 crunches and 25 push ups. Take a shower, get ready for work. Had to take my friend to Walmart before work. There was a McDonalds in the Walmart. I really enjoy McDonalds and I was hungry. I ordered a plain biscuit, grape jelly. Ate that, drank my bottled water and was very content until lunch time. We were busy at work so I asked my supervisor to come to Olive Garden and eat healthy with me (on an extended lunch (on the clock)). We had soup, salad and breadsticks. I had a raspberry lemonade and a really great filling meal. Took a little doggy bowl of soup home for dinner. After I burnt my tounge and before I went to bed I did 250 crunches. Good day! I later found out that it was a bad day because I ate too many breads and bread is not a good idea on a "diet"... well now I know.

Day 1 - Tuesday May 18, 2010 Woke up and did 225 crunches and 25 push ups. I am turning 25 so I figured 25 would be a good number to use. I got in the shower and shaved. Shaving always makes me feel cleaner, prettier and more alive. I ate a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl and drank a small glass of orange juice. I start my day! Go to work. No snacks! Ate a footlong tuna sub sandwich on wheat bread from Subway, lots of vegetables and a bottled water. Blah Blah Blah come home and before I drift into the land of the sheep (sleep) I do 200 crunches. Day 1 down, 30 more to go.

My girlfriend Hilbring is celebrating her 25th birthday in the Bahamas this year. I love a good planning friend, not those "never follows through but ALWAYS trying to plan some shit" friends. We are leaving Miami on a cruise to the Bahamas. Everyone is excited about the Bahamas. I'm way too excited about Miami. Lol, either way it'll be mid-June so and I will be in a swimsuit and on somebodies beach so I set an obtainable goal for myself in lieu of this marvelous trip. I have to shape up the midsection in order to stunt on the beaches of Miami and the Bahamas. I just gotta do it! Especially hanging with Hilbring ! That chick is a size 2! That's her in the side photo, you gotta know that ain't me! Tall, slim, yellow, long hair... Cue Monique "Skinny women are evil" lol. But I love my size! I look good! Just not so great in a two piece. I tried to hide this fact by buying a monokini (one piece with the back and sides out) but I said nah let me push mys...

So I have been stupid stressed lately. Not the stress that can be easily solved with a tylenol. But the stress can needs to be calmed with an alcoholic beverage or a cancer stick. I've been feeling mighty Tweet-ish, i.e. Smoking Cigarettes And I don't even drink or smoke! It has come to the point of total misunderstanding, if you can understand that. Funny thing is that my stress is not caused by a man. Well not by a man that I'm liking on and anything like that. And no I am not subliminally speaking of "the man" either. It's hard to explain... Tweet? Can you help? "What's you perception of love? Now how many times did we say it was over? And how many times did we not leave? There's no sense in this love hangover, please come back to me." "You got me nervous and trembling (smoking cigarettes at night)" "Sometimes my eyes won't close from weeping and sometimes I can't wake up from sleeping, cause you keep calling me, kee...

If relationships are like entrees, I'm full The appetizers were appealing The salad was superior The main meal was magnificent and the desert... delicious But It's so routine, It's so mundane and I'm so ready to burp. But just when I thought it was bad beyond relief, someone offered to pat my back. "My Beau" (as he so claims to be) proposed courtship today. He said he's giving me four weeks to accept his offer or for any other men to make a better offer. Even if he comes to his senses and reneges on me I will always cherish this day. I can't stop smiling. Check Please.

Why can't everyone go to the school of golden arches? These lousy retail associated kill me! Everyone is having a bad day. Everyone is just here for a paycheck. No one is here to service the customer, give good advice and ensure satisfaction. WHY NOT? I blame the lazy ass managers/trainers. If you have a manager that gives a shit, they would train a lousy person and conform them into a customer service representative and even better: a decent person. I am going through my passport process. I call 1800ASKUSPS to get my checklist of what I need to have in order to apply for my passport without hassle. I go to Walmart to see how much it is for a passport photo, the girl at the desk reading a novel said $10. I frown and ask if that was a good price. She said Walgreens has them cheaper. GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE! Thank you girl. I go to Walgreens. They take my photo, two dollars cheaper, cool. Next day, I take my items to the post office only for the lady to tell me that my Walgreens photo...

Why do people trip about breaking big bills? I mean really make a fuss about breaking a 50. Stupid you're going to have to break it eventually. Gimmie the gat damn money! Why do people put other people on the phone when they know you don't like them? I try to be nice and say, "tell Sally I said hello." You wanna speak with her. "NO I DON'T! Oh heyyyy Sally..." Why do drunk people get on my nerves so much? I'd rather deal with a drug addict, I swear. Drunk people be talking so philosophically and emotionally. Asking stupid ass smart questions and laughing for no reason. Smh, help, why me?

> If I ask you (a man) if I got you in trouble (with your girl) the answer should always be hell nall. How can she punish you? You got the game super twisted. You need to switch organs cuz she definitely wearing the pants and you my dear are wearing the panties if you are a grown man and you still get in trouble. #clockout >If you don't have a car because she gave you two flats and a brick through the back window #clockout. >If you don't have a phone because you gave it to her so she can get a job but you don't have a job #clockout. >If you don't have a job because they fired you because she kept coming up there causing a scene #clockout. After all that if you're still with her you should #clockout but you're the ultimate dumb if you knock her up! > If she is the hospital, IN LABOR but she still has time to answer YOUR phone and screen YOUR calls you need to #clockout because you're the weakest link, Goodbye. (by the way this is all true... ...